October 2024
"Bhai, exam-er ki korbo? Ami kichu pari na, bhaaaaaiiii."
(Dude, what should I do? I don’t know anything, brooo.)
"Areh, ami partesina bhai. Amar mam khali eshe etogula homework diye jay, uf."
(I can’t do this, bro. My teacher just dumps piles of homework on me.)
"Tor results dekhsos? Tui parbi bhai. Tor moto meye thakle amar ma-bap amake mathay tule rakhto."
(Have you seen your results? You’ll do fine. If my parents had a daughter like you, they’d worship her.)
"Bhai, ami ki korbo? Kalke or shathe kotha hoise. Ora je ki kore bhaiii…"
(Bro, what do I even do? I talked to him yesterday... the stuff they do, brooo.)
November 2024
Exams… I have to ace them all.
Ten hours a day—sure.
I can pull an all-nighter, skip meals.
I just need to study...
Study...
Anyhow.
December 2024
"Kulhu allahu ahad... Rabbi zidni ilma... Auzubillahi minash shaitanir rajim... Bismillahir rahmanir rahim..."
(Praying silently)
I have to get it. I have to.
4.9 / 5.0
Why…?
How...
No... no no no... please...
Just three more marks...
Dear Allah, why... how?
"Koto paiso tumi?"
(What did you get?)
"..."
"Beshi beshi korish. Tui bhalo korsish."
(Why are you acting like this? You did good.)
"Na...”
(No..)
"Koto paiso?"
(What did you get?)
"... Tumi koto paiso?"
(What did you get?)
"Ami age jigesh korsi."
(I asked first.)
"4.9."
"Bhai, o onek bhalo result korse."
(Bro, she did really well.)
"Tumi?"
(You?)
4.5."
"Ar tumi?"
(And you?)
"Bhai… thak. Ami onek kharap korsi bhai."
(Bro… leave it. I did really bad.)
"Koto paiso?"
(What did you get?
"3.2."
"Oto kharap na to."
(That's not that bad.)
"Na bhai. Tui to bhalo korsish."
(No dude, you did well.)
"Na... amar parents eta manbe na."
(No... my parents will never accept this.)
January 2025
Just a few more days.
I’ll see my friends again.
Winter break is amazing… and so boring.
I can’t wait to go back to school. TT
February 2025
Why can't I keep up with conversations...?
What happened...?
It’s okay. We haven’t met in a while.
It’ll fade.
"Bhai, amader friendship ta toxic hoye gese.
Tumi amader appreciate koro na.
Eta shudhu amader kotha na—shobai bole tumi onek flex koro."
(Our friendship's become toxic. You don’t appreciate us. It’s not just us, everyone says you flex too much.)
"I’m sorry... please... no..."
"Amra friendship cut korte chai, bhai."
(We want to end the friendship.)
"But tahole amar kono friend thakbe na… please."
(Then I won’t have any friends... please.)
"Keno nai?"
(Why don’t you have any?)
"O shob mitay te ashche."
(She came to fix everything.)
"Tumi ki bhab nite chao?"
(Do you want to be friends again?)
"Hae."
(Yes.)
It felt so okay…in words, nothing more left to discuss
But it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t the same
March 2025
And suddenly—it was quiet…
No more running to sit together at lunch.
No more voices echoing through the halls.
No one.
Like being reborn into a new world… like in anime.
Except this time, there’s no way back.
This is home now.'
This is where I must accept it all
This is where months pass without a call
June 2025
"Tumi ki thik aso?"
(Are you okay?)
"Ha!"
(Yeah!)
"Amar tomar kotha bishshash hochhe na. Kalker pore."
(I can’t believe you anymore—not after yesterday.)
“Oh?”
But I wasn’t lying.talk
I smile every day—why wouldn’t she believe me?
I mean, not that anything has changed, yesterday was just another day, all I did was maybe
I smile every day.
…
And suddenly—every smile felt fake.
Yet I couldn’t find a single reason why.
Every hi, every bye, every so-called passion.
Then I looked at my hands.
A book.
I was reading.
Every gift I got this year—was a book.
But I was never a reader.
What happened?
I looked again—looked up.
There they were—smiling faces, laughing, having fun,
Being weird and loud, walking hand-in-hand.
They used to feel so familiar.
What happened?
Suddenly—I saw a void.
No one to call.
And even if I did… I have nothing to say…
Okay... let’s try.
And so I did.
Every interaction—physically
I wanted to scream.
To cry to someone.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.
Every time I saw a face, my body smiled.
Not because I was happy.
Not because I wanted to.
It just... did.
Smiling.
Laughing at small things.
Making jokes.
Pretending.
Pretending like everything was perfect.I
Like was perfect.
Every life sees death.
Every hi meets goodbye.
And for me,cry
Every smile—
Held a .
Stuck.
For the first time,
I felt what it is to gasp for breath—
Like you’re dying,
But you still can’t ask for help.
Can I not cry when I'm in distress?
Can the world really be this cruel to a mess?
Can a smile really fake happiness?